MIFFED MOMMYS: 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition

Haters gonna hate.

Nothing brings out angry women with issues quite like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

I’m not saying kids who look at (ahem, read) the issue are going to move on to hardcore pornography, but it’s a good launching pad. — Marilisa Kinney Sachteleben, a mommy blogger sort for the Yahoo! News Contributor network commenting on the 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition cover in her latest piece titled “Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Needs Brown Wrapper”

Could we get any more dramatic? Of course we can!

As a woman, I have a problem with the swimsuit edition, too. The obvious issue is that it sex-objectifies women. I’ve talked to female strippers who say they can make more money in one hour taking their clothes off than they would in a week waiting tables.

As a woman? Really? So because she’s a woman then she must obviously have a problem? Really? So now we’ve gone from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition being some sort of gateway to hardcore porn, to comparing swimsuit models to strippers.

Uh hu.

I’m sure her problem with the swimsuit edition has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that, as a woman, she looks nothing like Kate Upton.

Exactly what is it with some of these mommy bloggers or some women in general that make them believe they actually know what goes through a young boy’s mind? As if said young boys are wholesome little things without raging hormones that just might launch into a life of debauchery and hardcore porn … because of a swimsuit cover.

Bad News About Your Sons

As a mommy, there are things about teenaged boys – maybe even your husband – that you probably just don’t want to know. Things he’s unlikely to share with you, even if you’re the greatest and bestest mommy in the whole wide world. Allow me to share some insight with you into the minds of young boys, like your sons, from the perspective of a grown man who has been there.

Your young teenaged boy … he’s not all that wholesome. Oh, he may walk around the home sounding sweet, he may give you pecks on the cheek each night before he goes to bed, but behind all that he’s a raging ball of horn.

For example …

After last night’s “good night” peck, you don’t want to know that he was abusing himself while thinking about that girl in his math class. Too much info.

The wind is blowing, the birds are chirping, and the sun just came up. That makes him horny. It’s Friday and they’re serving pizza in the cafeteria today. For a teenaged boy, that’s as good of a reason as any to break out the horn.

From the corner of your eye, you may catch your son drooling over Kate Upton’s hot body gracing the cover of the 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, but that could be because he doesn’t want to fire up YouPorn, Tube8, or any one of the millions of porn clips readily available on the Interwebs when you’re around. That would be awkward, wouldn’t you agree?

Your teenaged boy likely knows more about porn and can rattle off the names of more porn sites than you would ever want to know.

The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition is not a “good launching pad” for sending boys to hardcore pornography. If anything, it’s a tame filler and appetizer that can be enjoyed in mixed company when it’s just inappropriate to fire up other … let’s call them delights.

I don’t know what planet some of you women come from, but men and boys have been drooling over hot women since the beginning of time. Long before there was pornography on the Internet, long before the Internet, long before the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, boys were having very impure thoughts over the girls on the high school cheerleading squad, their hot English teacher, the women in the underwear section of the Sears catalogue, or just some random woman that walks down the street.

Please, don’t pretend to know or understand when you don’t. There are some things you probably just don’t want to know.