On Behalf of Men: Dear Ladies …

Ladies, gals, women … I love ya. Really, I do, but y’all need to cut some of this frou-frou crap out because it’s driving some of us men crazy. Today I’m talking about beauty products, more specifically … shampoo.

The wife and I tend to trade off on the shopping duties, but she’s usually the one that hits up the drug store for our regular supply of goodies. She’s got one of those bonus card things going on that gets us free air miles, so what the hell.

When it comes to shampoo, there’s no brand loyalty here. If stuff is on sale or there’s some special bonus points thing going on, she’ll buy a whack of it. It’s great because we save money and end up getting all sorts of freebies with the points, but it sends my man panties into a tail spin.

Yesterday I get ready for the daily cleaning ritual, hop in my shower, notice there’s no shampoo left and quickly hop out to grab a bottle. I’m standing butt frickin’ naked in front of our “stuff” closet, open the door with the intent of just grabbing a damn bottle and then … poof … dumbfounded.

Let’s see. Let’s see. There’s …

  • Hydralicious – Self-targeting for balance from root to tip.
  • Nutri-Gloss – Defines curls with multi-dimensional shine and offers a cashmere touch.
  • Drama Queen – Refreshing shampoo with a fusion of berry tea and orange flower.
  • Go Fresh Therapy – Energizing with grapefruit and lemongrass.
  • Fructis – Reinforced with active fruit concentrate, including fructose and glucose.
  • Body Envy – Volumizing shampoo with a fusion of white nectarine and pink coral flower.

I’ll admit, it’s entirely possible that I’m the only man left on the planet that thinks this way, but this assortment literally confuses the hell out of me. Fructose, glucose, fusions of different teas, coral flowers, energizing and self-targeting lotions and potions. What the hell am I supposed to take? Do I really want to smell like lemongrass? Do I need to volumize? Do I want multi-dimensional hair? What does that even mean?

I don’t want to eat it, I don’t want to plant it in my garden. All I want to do is take a bloody shower. Am I asking too much?

You know what I want?

Sham-Fucking-Poo – “It’s soap, and it cleans your god damn hair.”

While we’re at it … if it wouldn’t be too much to ask …

I don’t need suntan lotion with a mutli-vitamin complex for optimal hydration improved with helioplex stabalizing technology. Instead, try this:

Suntan Lotion – “So you don’t burn like a bitch and die of skin cancer.”

Sigh.